sierrakellen

The Vulnerability of Hope: IVF Round One

In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is a gauntlet. A challenge to your mind and body that leaves you physically bruised and emotionally exhausted. I struggled a little bit with how to respond when people congratulated us on starting IVF because those of you who have been there know, it’s no celebration. In my experience, it isContinue reading “The Vulnerability of Hope: IVF Round One”

Recurrent Miscarriage & the Question of Infertility Treatment

We talk about miscarriage as if it is a moment in time, a crossing back from a state of pregnancy to some state of baseline, a return to normalcy. However, going through it is something else entirely. First and foremost, it is a process rather than an event. When someone says, “I had a miscarriage,”Continue reading “Recurrent Miscarriage & the Question of Infertility Treatment”

Miscarriage a Year Later: Lessons Learned in the Waiting

I went in for surgery one year ago yesterday. My OB/GYN performed a D&C because my body would not miscarry naturally (see first three blog posts for our full story). Due to our molar pregnancy followed by my reconstructive hip surgery this October, we are still waiting for the all-clear to try again for aContinue reading “Miscarriage a Year Later: Lessons Learned in the Waiting”

Compounded Grief is like a Long Hike

Someone asked me recently if loss was easier the second time around. I wasn’t prepared to answer then, but after some months of reflection, I’ll attempt to describe my experience now. It’s important to think about multiple experiences of loss in terms of compounded grief because each subsequent experience of loss or grief shortens theContinue reading “Compounded Grief is like a Long Hike”

My Interview on Midday Michelle’s Wine Wednesday, Episode 68: Sierra’s Story

My dear friend Michelle and host of Good Day Stateline here in Rockford, Illinois invited me to join her for an episode of “Wine Wednesday” a weekly Facebook live podcast. She interviewed me about my blog and why I decided to write about our journey with miscarriage. I hope you enjoy it!

When the diagnosis drops..

The day I had been waiting for was drawing near. The day I took my last blood test and the results read “negative” for hCG, confirming that I had not developed cancer as a result of my molar pregnancy in November. After six long months I finally started to allow myself to hope. To allowContinue reading “When the diagnosis drops..”

A Due Date Reflection

Today, June 4th, 2021, I would have been 40 weeks pregnant. A timeline that generally speaking would mark our baby’s arrival into the world. Unfortunately, because there was no heartbeat on our first ultrasound, we never received an official due date from our doctor. As time passed, I was finding it hard to honor theContinue reading “A Due Date Reflection”

Reflections on Bereaved Mother’s Day

My chest felt tight all day. My mind fluttered from one thought to the next about miscarriage and motherhood and how this is not how any of it should go. I wanted to distract myself, but knew I needed to make space to reflect and allow my conflicted emotions to surface. Tears finally made theirContinue reading “Reflections on Bereaved Mother’s Day”

If Walls Could Talk..

The month of March was consumed with the purchase and renovation of our first home. Although this is a really exciting time for Jeff and I, it has also felt as if a dark cloud hung over the process for me. This isn’t what I imagined for our family this spring. We should be preparingContinue reading “If Walls Could Talk..”

Learning to let it ride: staying in the moment when triggers sneak up on me

Lately I’ve been thoroughly distracted by dreaming about our new paint colors, flooring, and the puppy we can get now that we have a home of our own. Work and home organizing projects have kept me busy enough not to dwell long on our miscarriage or the fact that we cannot try to get pregnantContinue reading “Learning to let it ride: staying in the moment when triggers sneak up on me”